A few weeks ago I realized that Tom and I have been dating for more than two years! He was actually Corban's friend first. But after he came to my family's annual Christmas party and told an awful joke about proposing to a girl with an engagement ring made out of a cremated family member, I claimed him as my own. (Actually it took him about a month to ask me on a real-live date, but that joke was the clincher. Not even kidding. Well, that and his ambition of becoming an astronaut, and his pretty blue eyes, and his mad Chinese skills. *Swoon* - but I digress...)
When we first started dating I was at school in Denver and he was at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, so we saw each other at least every weekend. But, after that semester finished, things got more complicated. I was transferring to Yale, and he was headed to Rice for grad school. That summer my mom invited him to join us on a family vacation in Europe. Tom thought it was a great idea, but I was less thrilled. I was convinced that after spending 2+ weeks with my family he would break up with me. I consoled myself by reasoning that the breakup would make our school plans less difficult.....Well, he didn't break up with me (still not exactly sure why - we were all crazy on that trip). And because we didn't breakup in Croatia, we had to decide if we were going to try the whole long-distance dating deal. I was really hesitant. We had been dating for 7 months - and he was my first real boyfriend. But we didn't break up. Instead we decided to date other people, just to see what would happen. It didn't really work. I think I went on four "dates" and he went on one....In December I admitted that I didn't want to date other people anymore. He agreed.
So we've been doing the whole long-distance thing ever since. And it's worked pretty well. We visit every four weeks or so, and talk every day. At one level I'm grateful for the space; it allows me to focus on school in a way that I probably wouldn't if Tom was here. At another level it kind of stinks. And it makes me a little anxious. For the majority of our relationship, we've lived in different states - which definitely creates a different dynamic. We don't argue very much - and never about little things. When we are together, neither of us wants to do anything that would sully our time together - which is great, but maybe a little unrealistic. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we're experiencing an authentic relationship.
Last summer I decided to apply for internships in Houston (where Tom is in school) so we could see what being in the same place for an extended period of time was like. It was wonderful. We actually spent time together every day. And we got into fights about inconsequential nothings! And I could hardly believe that after 11 weeks I still wasn't sick of him! But since then we've had to go back to long-distance. And it's harder than it was before.
Sometimes I still wonder....And I get annoyed that he isn't here to go to things with me - to fight about things with me, to sit around and do nothing with me...Humph.
Have any of you ever been in long-distance relationships? What were the pros and cons? What advice do you have? Does it seem totally crazy?!
I have been there! We did almost five years while we were in college. We spent summers in the same place and holidays, but we would go months without seeing each other.
ReplyDeleteWe'll celebrate 13 years of marriage this fall and 18 years of being together (WHAT?!).
I have to say, we didn't have the rough and messy first year that a lot of newlyweds talk about. Ours was bliss. We knew each other REALLY well, and we were just so stinkin' happy to be together every single day.
It was hellish at the time, but worth it. I look at it now like a great investment.
Good luck and hang in there! It is possible, no matter what horrible stories people share with you about it.
Eighteen years!? Congratulations! Thank you so much for the advice (Clearly it's coming from a highly reputable source!) :D
DeleteI was in a long distance relationship once. Let's just say, it's not long distance anymore.
ReplyDeleteI did a long distance relationship when I lived in the UK and he was in UT. It was painful and exciting. It took a lot of effort on both our parts, because the of the time difference and the whole getting to know you. We emailed every day and talked pretty frequently. I had the biggest phone bills ever! He surprised me for Christmas which was magical and I went home for a couple of weeks which was fun. The over-the-phone breakup wasn't so great, but all in all I'm glad for the experience.
ReplyDeleteI can see how long distance relationships do enable getting to know someone in a totally different way, and being the romantic that I am I enjoyed the phone calls, letters and emails. Communication is key, and going that extra mile to let him know he's important and thought of and loved is easier when communication is creative, frequent and good.
Best wishes! I'm sure you'll figure this all out and have the excruciatingly, wonderful time that makes all really great relationships worthwhile. :)
And yes, it's so hard to be apart after being together, so very hard.... As we say in the Navy, embrace the suck, but then find ways to make it fun and make it work.
I agree - I think we've gotten to know each other better than we would have if we had been living in the same place. I'm going to take your advice and [try to] embrace the suck ;)
DeleteHang in there, kiddo! It can be rough.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
ReplyDeleteOh God. I have so many things to say about this, but I don't want to be too long winded...
ReplyDeleteI did the long distance thing for almost two years. He was (and still is) in California, and I'm in Montreal, Canada. This was literally a cross-continental, international, endeavor. It was complicated. And it was really freaking hard. Such that if I'm asked about the experience, the answer I typically give is, "I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy."
However! That is an oversimplified answer. And, there some notable differences from my experience and yours.
Firstly, the fact that you see each other fairly regularly makes a huge huge HUGE difference regarding your sanity. Compared to my experience, where save for one exception, we would see each other only once every 3-4 months, simply because we were so far away from each other. Once a month... yeesh, I would have killed for that. Good for y'all.
Secondly, I was much younger and emotionally immature at the time than I am now. Considering this, I had a very difficult time dealing with the negative emotions that can arise from the separation, which in my case, was insecurity. It really messed with me. Worst of all, the whole relationship ended up being a secret simply because I didn't know anyone I felt comfortable enough to confide in. The result was I was often anxious, and had difficulty focusing on and fulfilling my responsibilities, like my undergrad curriculum.
I can tell from your writings that you're vastly more mature, disciplined, and thoughtful than I was, and so it seems to me like you're much better at handling any emotional burdens that may come. Furthermore, you have what seems to be (can't say for sure since I've never met any of y'all) a super duper crazy supportive family. I don't. I'm really happy that you do, because I hypothesize having that level of support helps a ton, too.
There's more I want to say, but this is already getting long and I covered my main points, so I'll end it there. Of course, if you have further questions, you're welcome to ask.
Overall, honestly, it seems to me like you two are in pretty good shape. The fact that both of you tried dating, and realized you weren't interested in doing so, says a lot. It takes a lot of confidence to do long distance (in both yourself and the other person) and if you can both handle it, then by George, by all means!
I wish you both all the best.
Thanks, Natalie! You're the best. Really. Crazy. Cool.
DeleteMy now husband and I were long distance for about 1.5 years; he was at grad school in the UK and I was working in Boston. We saw each other about every 2 months. I kind of loved it, because (1) we had to talk and email a lot without being distracted by each others' physicality :), which meant that we got to know each other really well and (2) I could focus on my job (as a busy, traveling consultant) without having to incorporate an actual person into my every-day life, but with the security of still having a boyfriend and (3) it made for some awesome reunions (in places like London and Florence) during which we were ecstatic to see each other and felt butterflies constantly from the novelty of it all.
ReplyDeleteI know that some people hate being long distance, but I didn't mind it for the most part, although I was glad when it ended and we spent time in the same place for a while before getting engaged and married. You can do it!
I remember how smitten he was! Now that I know how awesome you are, I totally understand why :-) Please come visit us up north....
DeleteThere are certainly benefits! And it's comforting to hear from people who actually appreciate the distance. (Sometimes I feel like a sociopath for even suggesting that long distance relationships aren't the worst things in the world.... :)
DeleteThis post made me smile, as I remembered my long, long-distance on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-thankGOODNESS-on-again relationship. If it's meant to be, it will take a lot more than time and distance to kill the magic!
ReplyDeleteOoof. I have done the long distance thing more than I care to admit, but it ended up working out in the end! My first long-term long-distance boyfriend was amazing and we had the most fun together, and had wonderful conversations every night for those 10 weeks we were apart, but when he showed up for Spring Break, it ended up being disastrous. I had grown up a bit in 10 short weeks and realized as soon as I saw him that he was ready to settle down, and I still had no intention of being tied down in the near future. Break. up.
ReplyDeleteBut the last long-distance relationship I had was NYC to DC, and worked quite well. It helped that I was crazy about this guy, and it also helped that DC was just a quick Amtrack away from NYC. We made it work for that year, and got married about 10 months after being in the same place again. Like you, I was concerned about the hyper-dedication and hyper-love-sick-puppiness that we had for each other on those short weekends, so I wanted to make sure it was for real. And it was. And it sounds like yours is, too. That is so exciting. ;)
:D
DeleteCan you tell I'm catching up on the blog? ;) I hope you know how hopeful I am about your relationship with my sweet nephew. He's such a special person, isn't he? And so are you. As I frequently say, you guys are a nerd match made in heaven. I adore you and hope that you'll be with us for the longhaul. But the bottom line is, life is life and sometimes it doesn't turn out the way we think/plan/hope. Just ride the ride, girl. It will all work out the way it should. xo Wendi Sue
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