Dress Like a Diva: American Grace Evening Gown GIVEAWAY

My debut album, American Grace is on pre-sale now. One of the really fun part of being an opera singer is the dresses. But why should opera singers be the only ones to enjoy a ridiculous supply of sparkly chic clothing? It beats me.

To celebrate the release, FIVE is teaming makeup artist and stylist Leslie Storms so you can win a designer evening gown. 

This is all you have to do.

Remember?

Remember that time we went to an magic island in Canada and all of the people were polite and the food was delicious and it was generally pretty sweet? No? I don't blame you, because we never put up any pictures of it, even though I have literally thousands of them. Here. These are for you:

Remember how we were all upset that morning but not with each other so it was actually alright? Remember deciding to have an absolutely perfect day just out of spite? Remember how much better that made everything?

Remember when we saw lettuces and tiny baby radishes still in the ground and met the future King and Queen of England and then Prince William was all like -- "get your hand off of my wife's boob" and we were all like "no because actually you're a cardboard cutout and can't talk to us or tell us what to do" and his expression didn't even change even though that was a super rude thing for us to say?

Remember how we sat in all those places next to each other because we were wearing coordinating clothes and wanted everyone to see how cute we looked together but we never actually got a good picture of all five of us and I tried to hang my camera on a tree to use the self-timer but instead it fell off and almost broke? Remember how everybody's name was Will?

Remember when we drove into town and Charity asked to street-preform with that boy who was handsome but only because he could play the piano so well and wore plaid and was polite. Remember when he said yes because it would have been rude not to and was so happy and surprised when Charity actually opened her mouth and sang like she does? Remember when we all sang along?

Remember when we ordered oysters on the half-shell and I ate one even though I usually don't and you told me it would taste like a salty kiss from the sea? Remember when I told you you were right about the oyster, but I still didn't like it?

Remember when we found the hat with red braids and we all pretended to be Anne of Green Gables? Remember how Momo bought Hettie one and whenever she wore it she'd become courteous and kind but also a little fiery and only answered to the name Anne? Remember the deep-sea diving shack that also sold the best lobster rolls you've ever tasted and pretty excellent salads too? Remember getting annoyed at all sorts of things that may or may not have mattered but still having a beautiful time?

Remember saying we wanted to walk back to the house but only because we didn't want to go in the car and didn't understand how far it was? Remember trying not to squash the tiny frogs as they hopped across the sidewalk? Remember being scared when we heard sounds coming from the forest and it getting so dark none of us could see and using Liberty's phone as a flashlight and all thinking to ourselves if a kidnapper or a rapist or a wild animal came out from the trees I'd stay and fight it so the rest of you could run away and get help and be safe?

Remember getting back just fine and seeing them read to the babies in the main room? Remember knocking on the window and then hiding just to scare them and then almost deciding to go skinny-dipping? Remember all the stars?

Cake > Sex

Look! I made a cake! 

Here are a few things you should know about me and this cake, and also cakes in general. 

1. I'm not a huge fan of cake--I'll typically go for something chewier and/or fattier if given the choice.
2. I'm not very good at making cake--they tend to turn into "trifles."
3. This cake was crazy delicious, it was not hideous, and I ate it instead of ice cream for several meals (mostly breakfast, but also lunch...also dessert). 

Typically, the only reason I'll bake a cake is to celebrate the birth of someone I adore. This often results in my humiliation as friends and friends-of-friends offer well-meaning compliments and comments. "It really does taste good though!" "That was such a sweet idea!" "YOU are very, very thoughtful!"

This cake however, was not a token of love and celebration, but rather the debit of a lost wager. The scene was something like this:

 (Liberty's legs can be seen protruding from beneath the couples' bed as Premal quietly reads atop it.)

L: HELP! HELPhelp! Premal! I'm stuck, I can't breath!

(Premal extracts his wife)

P: What were you doing?

L: Trying to plug in our new lamps. 

P: I can do that.

L: You are much bigger and fatter than I am, and it is therefore impossible for you to succeed in this effort where I have failed. 

P: Wanna bet?

L: Yes, I do.

P: Okay, but if I win I want something awesome.

L: Okay. 

P: Not something dumb, like sex. 

L: Okay.

P: I want cake. A carrot cake. With frosting. 

L: Deal.

(Premal reaches the cord behind the mattress, thereby completing the task and winning the wager in mere seconds. --Scene--)   

Pineapple Carrot Cake with Maple Cream Cheese Frosting

note: Obviously walnuts and raisins are optional, except when they're not. Which happens to be the case with this cake. Which is to say, I refuse to endorse the results of the recipe below should you choose to omit these items. xoxo

Cake:

2 c. sugar

1 1/3 c. vegetable oil

3 eggs

1 t. vanilla

2 1/2 c. flour

2 t. cinnamon  

2 t. baking soda

1 1/2 t. salt

1 c. raisins

1 c. walnuts

1 lb. finely grated carrots

1/2 c. fresh pineapple, cubed

1 in. finely grated fresh ginger

Preheat oven to 350 f

Prepare 3 8-inch rounds with parchment, then butter and flour. 

Beat sugar, oil and eggs with mixer fitted with a paddle for 4 minutes. Add vanilla. Sift together flour, cinnamon, baking soda and salt--add to wet ingredients. Toss raisins and nuts with a little flour, then fold into batter (it will be quite stiff at this point). Fold in carrots and pineapple. Divide among the pans and bake 50 min. 

Frosting:

2 blocks cream cheese

1 stick butter

2 c. powdered sugar (sifted, please.)

1/4 c. maple syrup

1 pinch salt

Place all ingredients in a mixer. Beat the bejeezus out of it. Wait 'til your cake is actually cool before frosting. 

Perverbs

Some would call Harry Matthews a writer. I prefer to think of him as a lyrical Dr. Frankenstein -- except instead of sewing together old body parts, he sews together old truisms. Yes, Mr. Matthews has pioneered a new and exciting form of prose: The Perverb.

No, a perverb is not a pervy proverb (i.e. lace curtains never stopped any Peeping Tom with character). Rather, it's the creative combination of two or so tired old phrases into one exciting new phrase (i.e. stop and smell the death and taxes). It's a lovely way to forge new bits of wisdom out of old ones which have lost their oomph to overuse.

I had to write a list of 15 these for a class, but I get the feeling I missed a bunch of really good ones. So I'm crowdsourcing to all y'all clever people to find the best perverbs capable of existence (for entertainment value only -- I already turned in the assignment). I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOOOOOOOU!

Below, I've included a few more of my perverbs, accompanied by pictures of weirdly beautiful hybrid taxidermy jobs by the artist Enrique Gomez de Molina (because this is likely the only blogpost I'll ever write where those will be even tangentially relevant).

Honesty hurts

The Devil is in an apple a day.

Big brother has more fun

A little knowledge makes Jack a dull boy

A rolling stone turneth away anger

The road to hell is paved with pennies saved

Business by any other name wouldn’t smell as sweet

Diamonds are next to Godliness

Dead horses tell no tales

Damn! The torpedoes killed the cat!

So what's your best perverb? Share a couple in the comments so we can all chortle at them together alone at our personal computers!

Comfy

I'm a creature of habit.  As we drove Premal had me rank places I'd most like to live, and Baltimore was in my top three (following DC and Denver--obvi). He went over the locations I deemed "less than ideal:" San Francisco, New York, Portland, Chicago...? *blink   blink   blink*At that, he looked down and laughed out loud. "It's like this shirt," he said."I like that shirt.""I know! Which is why I'm photographed wearing it in roughly 10% of our travel pictures!" (I'm the one who usually ends up packing...)Meanwhile, I was busy contemplating the white sweater I had on. The same one I've worn 3-times a week since I bought it in November. Which is to say, he has a point. But then again, so do I.